This should be interesting…

Already not going according to plan. I had envisioned a calm, focused period of joint reflection for Nancy and myself.

She’s leaving bright and early tomorrow (6am flight!) to California for business/family and will be back late Tuesday night.

Thursday she leaves again to work in New Orleans for the weekend.

She’s talking about flying to New York the week of the 21.

March 30-April 1, I’m going to Boston for business.

April 15-April 20, we’re going to Denver for a seminar.

This is gonna be way different than I imagined!

Taking Lent seriously

Nancy and I have decided to take Lent very seriously this year. Seriously in that we’re giving things up and making changes to our routine, yes. More significantly, though, we’re thinking about what Lent is and how it offers an opportunity for God to work in our lives.

Just thinking about it this week has had the effect of bringing God closer and righting myself from the non-specific emotional upheaval I’ve wrestled the past few months.

I know that some people would get the dumb chills to hear me talking this way about God. And others will be thrilled by inaccurate assumptions. For me, God is God of the Bible, but also of the universe and of the hearts of humanity. Being in God’s presence is openness, compassion, trust, authenticity, discipline, patience, and selflessness*, from wherever they come.

Our approach to Lent has several pieces:

1. Giving up meat. When we thought of this, I hadn’t even connected it to tradition. But, of course, that is the traditional (Catholic?) sacrifice. This makes me happy.
2. Being disciplined with our time and engaging in activities that keep our minds sharp and our bodies whole. For me, this includes heading to the gym three times per week for strength training and getting some exercise on the days I don’t – walking and yoga probably; rising by 6:30 every morning; keeping the public parts of the house company-ready all the time; reading and writing outside of work obligations.
3. Saying yes as much as possible to everything else whole and healthy. And practicing gratitude.
4. Setting aside time for prayer and reflection every morning an evening. It is to this that I am most committed. I would also entertain you with my OCD approach to this, but it would be too embarrassing.

I’m also going to enjoy feast days on Sundays – which may only extend to allowing myself to have meat on those days, but it’s also the day on which I plan to give up guilt. Because I know that I will struggle during the week. And I will fail at these offerings. But God gave us the Sabbath as a day in which we can focus on God’s forgiving, redeeming love. And I want to embrace that.

(In other words, love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23.)

My sweet grandmother died

Her funeral. Died February 2, buried February 5.

How to Get to Know Me: Talk to Me, Play with Me, F*ck Me

There are two moments where I feel completely open and available to be known: having an intimate conversation and playing a game. And possibly having sex.

The Weekend

1. Visited my parents home for the first time since last Christmas. I was all prepared to get uppity with my mother — 3 years is enough time for her to come around and at least attempt a relationship with me. But apparently all she needed was for me to make a modicum of effort, because she kept volunteering questions about Nancy.

2. Had a really difficult time seeing Grandmother in the nursing home. When Mom and I went down there the first time, she was busy and we didn’t see her. That was good, because it gave me a little bit of time to adjust to what I was about to see. The second time I’m not entirely sure she recognized me until she saw Mom. Her mental functioning has rapidly declined since her fall, but she asked the important questions (all about 4 times each, in about the same order) — where am I working? does it pay well? where do I live? why have I gained so much weight? But she seemed to know where she was, and was depressed by it.

I feel like Mom has made the right decision, but not necessarily in the right spirit. What is easiest and most efficient? But she’s down the block from Mom and Dad, which means she’ll see them (and us?) more often. Maybe have dinner with Mom and Dad from time to time. If she had only stayed in Etowah County, I can’t help but wonder if she would have stayed lucid longer. If she had been more accessible to the key components of her family. When she was on the mountain, I didn’t visit her every time I went home, but now I know I will. And I might consider going home more often.

I said something about how having a sweet, pleasant roommate might not be the worst thing for Grandmother, but Aunt DeeDee and Mom both said that the problem was that Grandmother wasn’t always sweet and pleasant. Funny that I’ve rarely seen that side of her.

When Aunt Freddie died, she cried in front of me, for the first time I remember. I wonder if she cried in front of anyone else.

3. Came home dreading church because I can’t stand working with my Sunday School teaching partner, and because I don’t really know what I’m doing. And it was about as bad as I thought it would be. But then in worship, Mabel gave the stewardship address and served me the Eucharist with a wink and a smile.

4. Have had fun Facebook interactions with old (very old) friends today. It’s fun.

5. Why am I the way I am? I want to have friends, people to talk to. But two of my favorite conversation partners contacted me today and I avoided them both. WTF.

25 Things (circa 2008)

1. My parents still live in Alabama, in the same house they did when I was born, in the same town where my Dad was born and recently served two terms as mayor. My childhood was ridiculously boring, and I’m grateful for that. I also think it’s why I’ve made some unconventional choices.

2. I’m still dear friends with several “girls” from high school, and thank God every day for the Internet that keeps us in regular contact.

3. I have one sibling, a brother who is 7 years younger than me. He is currently serving in the Peace Corps in the Ukraine. The fact that he is an adult now, with whom I have things in common, including thinking nerdy thoughts, is so exciting.

4. At age 22, I eloped to Canada with someone I’d known for 4 months. We stayed married for 8 years.

5. Two and half years ago, I came home from work to find him screwing his intern in our house. We divorced. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and I have no hard feelings.

6. I found someone new and am living happily ever after with her. N is more right for me than I could have ever dreamed was possible.

7. I have a Masters of Theological Studies, which I paid for with my severance from an employer I begged to lay me off.

8. N and I run a business together selling products at arts & crafts shows, although I’m not participating much, since I’m back in the office grind.

9. In November, my aunt accused me publicly (by email) of being a communist, because I supported Obama. I haven’t seen her since then, but I’m totally wearing a hammer and sickle when I do.

10. Until my divorce, I didn’t know how to cook. Seriously. I didn’t know how to boil an egg. I survived on stubbornness, macaroni and cheese, and steamed kale (and the generosity of friends) for months.

11. My dad thinks I’m a total flake when it comes to my career, but I’ve done the same thing for 12 years, with interludes… going to school for theology, doing nothing, and selling arts and crafts. For my next act, I’m thinking of getting a degree in social work. I think I’m pretty tough emotionally, and I’d like either to work with kids or do disaster relief for the Red Cross or FEMA.

12. These days, I LOVE to cook. If you have trouble with it yourself, run to the bookstore and buy Now You’re Cooking.

13.  I was in a sorority in college: Pi Beta Phi.

14. The meanest thing I think I’ve ever done happened when I was about 7. I beat up my neighbor’s Tonka truck and left it on his sidewalk with a note signed with the name of another friend I was jealous of. Everyone figured out it was me, and I had to apologize and buy him a new truck.

15. I’m (slowly but surely) learning Arabic.

16. I aspire to three non-literary hobbies: 1) cooking; 2) rowing; 3) calligraphy. I’m getting good at the first, don’t have time for the second, and am intimidated by the third.

17. I have imaginary conversations with Ben Franklin when I’m alone in the car.

18. I have a little OCD tick. When I’m under a lot of stress, my fingers will be doing one of two things: 1) typing numerals by 3s (3, 6, 9, 12, 15…) up to 300, then start all over; 2) typing words that I think or hear, especially ones that are a uncommon.

19. Right now, my favorite shows are Lost, Big Love, Mad Men, The Closer, CSI, CSI: New York, and Law & Order: Special Victims.

20. I’ve been to 35 states. I’ve NOT been to: Alaska, Arkansas, Idaho, Iowa, Maine, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Vermont, and Wisconsin.

21. I’ve been out of the country to: the Bahamas (for 1 hour), Mexico (for 3 hours), Canada (Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick, Ontario, British Columbia, and Quebec), Italy, Finland, England, Germany, France, Spain, Croatia, and Hungary.

22. I keep an atlas where I highlight the miles of interstate I’ve traveled.

23. My three favorite colors are green, purple and natural light. My apartment is a wonderful amalgam of all three.

24. This apartment is technically a loft, even though it’s on the ground floor. It’s in a renovated elementary school. It’s also my favorite of all the places I’ve lived (which isn’t that many, honestly).

25. If you want to make me really happy, surprise me with a Grande, Non-fat, No-water, 6-pump Chai Latte, with Vanilla, from Starbucks.

The Dilettante’s Dilemma: What’s next?

I’ve been thinking about this blog for months now, but put it off because I know more or less what I want to do here, but I didn’t know how to start. I wanted a place to track the development of my varied academic, aesthetic, and random interests. But I don’t know about spitting yet another disconnected life-story into the hungry mouth of the blogosphere.

What I’ve realized lately is that that tendency to dip my toe in to whatever body of water I run across sort of is the story of my life. A point driven home by the reaction by a family members to that 25 Things meme.

Now, my extended family doesn’t know that I’ve become a dirty lesbian, for reasons so thick with history and culture and other baggage it would take years to wade through them. So when my cousin read my 25 Things on Facebook, I expected to get a reaming of some kind about item 6. And I may yet get it. But it was item 11 that really caught her attention:

My dad thinks I’m a total flake when it comes to my career, but I’ve done the same thing for 12 years, with interludes… going to school for theology, doing nothing, and selling arts and crafts. For my next act, I’m thinking of getting a degree in social work. I think I’m pretty tough emotionally, and I’d like either to work with kids or do disaster relief for the Red Cross or FEMA

So, obviously, everyone knows I’m a flake. I just want a place to be as flaky as I am.

Try again

Well. You see how that NaNoBlogMo thing worked out. I think I create rules just so I can break them. Here’s the thing. I need to blog. I need a place where I can put all the crazy thoughts, ideas and feelings that run through my mind and body. And LiveJournal was perfect for that, but I’m aware that it’s passe and also, that I need a different kind of stage. The problem, as the title indicates, is that I don’t know what my blog will be about. I read Mommy blogs, and theology blogs and news blogs and sex blogs. Only one or two decent life blogs. And the difference between a regular blog and LiveJournal is that I don’t have a captive community to engage with. And that’s what I want. Some engagement. Well. Here’s to giving it a shot in 2010. I expect this to be an interesting year.

1. I got everything done on my work to-do list today. EVERY THING.

2. Painted trim in two rooms and helped Nancy pull up carpet in another room. Not looking like we’re going to get everything done in time to move comfortably next week. We’ll see. Still need to:

• Paint everything
• Replace drywall
• Get carpet
• Replace vanity
• Take down wall upstairs
• Mud walls in rec room, upstairs bathroom and kitchen because people are stupid

3. Missing the old LiveJournal days. Have been reviewing posts that make me wonder if I could ever be as vulnerable here as I was there, in that beautiful closed community.

4. Have job interview tomorrow. 3 companies competing for my attention. Grateful, and yet so overwhelmed because of all this house stuff.

5. Nancy tells me that her brother and uncle-type-person may come this weekend to help with the house. Great. Except she’s going to be traveling and I’ll be entertaining them all by myself.

Going to have to find time to really write. I’m already boring myself.

5 things I did today

1. Picked up dry cleaning. I haven’t been to a dry cleaner in ages, but $15 per blanket seems like highway robbery. Love that they are next to my Starbucks and provide the little extra touches, but not going to pay that price again.

2. Started NaNoBloMo. Heh. Thank God for backdating.

3. Got the loft back to almost livable conditions. Hard to manage one home when you’re in a drawn out process of packing for and fixing up a new home. Failed to accomplish anything significant for the new house beyond paint selection.

4. Ate a Publix sub for the 3rd time in three days.

5. Continue to juggle one job while balancing other opportunities, planning for Atlantic Station, and getting the house ready.